“Set boundaries,” you’ve been told… but what do they do? why do we need them? how do I not feel like a bitch if I set them? And most importantly, how do I start & stick to them?
In this solo episode, I’ll share powerful ways on how to work through the current beliefs you may have on boundaries, how to use them positively, and why they are vital to your life, your biz/job, your mindset & your identity.
With examples from random DMs to much more deep conversations at a dinner table, it is time to throw out everything you fear and/or think about boundaries.
Find more at riserebelliously.com!
Hey guys, what's up, Britta here, your host. And I want to get into boundaries today. Boundaries in all parts of our life. Our relationships, our work, our businesses, our partnerships, our friends, all of it. So I usually just wake up with an idea or inspiration and then I just hit record and riff with the idea. So that's what we're going to get into. We're going to talk about boundaries. I'm going to start by saying what boundaries do not do. the Boundaries do not make you a bitch. They do not make you unlikable. They do not make you uptight. They do not make you selfish. They don't bring any negativity into your life? If anything, it does the exact opposite. I want you to take a moment and like, think about the people in your life, even people, you might not know people that inspire you, people in your world. Just think about them I don't want you to think about who has the strongest boundaries and they don't want you to really think about it, and what emotions do those people evoke. Best guess it's something along the lines of: inspiration, intimidation, or attraction. That makes complete sense. Right? People with boundaries are strong, bold human beings that go after what they want, and they don't let people walk all over them. They don't let people bully them. They don't let people hold them back. So it's very normal to actually like, and be inspired by people with boundaries or be attracted to them. And you just want to get with them. That makes sense too. And so overall, people with boundaries are a positive source in your life. And, that is something to take note of because a lot of times when we think of boundaries and we think of putting boundaries on our life, where we're putting boundaries on the people in our lives we start to worry that they might not like us, or they might be pushed away or start saying negative things about us, but that's not the case. People was boundaries inspire and attract. And that is when you have to focus on, you have to focus on the fact that boundaries are actually improving your relationships with not only people, but yourself, boundaries, help your confidence and make you feel like a boss just about life and your business. And in every way. It is only bringing positivity into your life. It's not bringing anything negative into your life. And if anything, you're going to attract more people into your life by being somebody that instills strong, powerful boundaries. So when you're thinking about selling batteries, it's important to remember that when you're in a situation that you don't like, or you don't want to be dealing with, you can't change how the other person is acting. You can't change what the other person is saying. You can't even change what they're asking for. So it is up to you to change how you deal with the situation, what you put up with. Let's take a very simple example. Let's say you are a coach or somebody who offers consulting or something along the lines of that, or you're a designer or a copywriter. You offer a service to somebody. And they send you a message, whether it be on Instagram or a text or whatever it may be, and they send you a message asking for advice. Quote advice. And we all know what that really means. It means that they're asking for free work, right? Especially our friends and our family are sometimes are the worst culprits of this. You do what they need at the time. And they're like, oh, well, it's my friend. Even though you can charge thousands for something like this, but they don't see it like that. Right. So let's say somebody, who's just DM-ing you on Instagram and they're asking for advice and let's say this person's not even your friend. And they're just talking, but they're not ready to invest in your service. They're just talking and asking questions and all this stuff. Not setting a boundary is answering all these questions because you feel like you're being nice, but deep down, you actually don't agree with what you're doing, but you're just doing it because you're hard- wired to be nice. Especially as females in this world, we are hardwired to be nice and to serve and to put everyone else first. So if you are a woman and you're listening to this or identify as a woman, it's going to be up to yourself to relearn and unlearn anything that you have learned that pretty much makes boundaries impossible. You do not have to change other people to set boundaries. It is not your job to explain to them, why you're setting batteries or why they need to stop asking more of you. It is up to yourself to not accept what they are putting on you. To not answer things that you don't want to answer to, change the conversation when you are not comfortable with it. It is up to you to make these changes. You can't just sit back and be like, oh, why is this person always asking things of me? Why are they always expecting things from me? Why are they always, this, this, this, this, no. No, this is not about them. This is about you and how you set boundaries for yourself and for your life and for your business and for your job. This is your life. You need to set the boundaries. You can't expect other people to treat you in any way, unless you make those boundaries clear. Okay. If you want to take control of your life, you need to take control of your life. People aren't going to just magically stop asking things from you because let's say your business has upscaled a couple notches, and now you're making a bunch of money and you're charged a bunch of money, but you still have these people that push the boundaries. It's because you never set them. You never set those boundaries with them. So they still think it doesn't matter how well you're doing. You're still going to give them free shit. You're still gonna help them. You're still gonna take time out of your day when you don't want to take time out your day, it's not selfish. This is life. This is your life, and this is your mental health and your responsibility to take action on your own boundaries. And it does not make you selfish, it does just not make you a bitch. It makes you strong. You can't change them. You have to change yourself. You can't expect people to change. You have to make the changes yourself. I will say this again and again and again, because so many times people sit back and they're like, why is this happening to me? Why are people doing this to me? Why are these people acting this way? It doesn't fucking matter. That is their burden. That is their problem. You don't have to accept any of that. If they're pushing your boundaries, most likely they haven't set their own boundaries and they have their own shit to work through. But that doesn't relate to you. That doesn't mean anything about you. That means it's time for you to set your own goddamn boundaries and stop worrying about what other people are doing. And I understand how hard it is to set boundaries in our lives, especially with the people close to us. Those are usually the hardest. But that doesn't mean it's easy to set boundaries with employers or employees or clients or any of this thing. It's always going to be difficult and always going to be hard. But, there are so many positives to setting boundaries. For example, the confidence that you develop just by setting some boundaries is a life changing. Maybe the immediate action is you feel a little bit like a bitch and you feel a little bit selfish, but as you really embody those boundaries and really embody why you're setting them and what they mean to you and what the values are that you hold dear, and why the fuck do you even need these boundaries in the first place? And you really, really, really embody them. You will start to feel more confident. You will start to feel more like the boss in your life and your business in your job and whatever it is, you will start to feel it. It's empowering to be able to tell somebody no. Not because you're trying to be mean, but because you're actually putting yourself and your mental health and your money and your life and your time first, and there's nothing wrong with that. People do it all the time. And people don't look at them thinking that they're a bitch and that there an asshole and they're selfish or they're anything, you know, what they think. They think that they're strong and they're inspiring. And look at how much shit they're getting done, because they're not letting people push them over and they're not letting people bully them. They're not letting people walk all over them when they know that their time is valuable, that their actions are valuable, that their energy is valuable. You need to start being way more precious with your energy. And if you don't like thinkingof boundaries as a money thing. If you're still working on your money mindset, you need to think about in an energy way. Right. Your energy. Is so, so, so precious. And every moment you give your energy to something that you don't want to be a part of. You're allowing more of that into your life. You only get what you make room for. That's it. So if you're making room for you know, abundance and success and more time and freedom that that's what you're going to get. But if you're making room for people and boundary pushers and people that do not respect you and your time and your energy, that's what you're going to get. Those are the clients that you're going to attract. So you have to put the right energy out. You have to put the right boundaries out and they have to align. They have to align with your values and your business and your life, and what the fuck you're even doing this for. So you have to sit down and think about your values. What are your values? It's not up to me to decide your values, it's up to you and you need to find those values. Embody them so deep into your core, that the boundaries are just there to support your values. Right. You're just taking on these values that you care about and you believe in, and it's something that you actually truly, truly believe in, and the boundaries are just there to support it. That's it. Another thing boundaries can do for you, which is amazing is tackle imposter syndrome. Everybody. At some point in our lives suffers from a form of imposter syndrome, unless you're born and raised with the utmost confidence, but even then people suffer from imposter syndrome all of the time. If you do not know imposter syndrome is it's simply a term, meaning that you start to compare yourself a lot or question authority to be doing something or question your skills to be doing something. And so it's a little bit of a downward spiral in your brain that kind of makes you think you're not ready or you're not good enough for these kinds of things. Right? It's all mindset. It's completely mindset. So one of the best ways to tackle imposter syndrome is actually to set more boundaries. And the reason this helps is not only are you gaining confidence and feeling more sure of yourself. It takes a level of trusting yourself and being in tune with yourself to set boundaries, which will also increase your confidence, which will decrease your imposter syndrome. Boundaries can be scary and they can be hard and they can be difficult. But the pros of setting boundaries extremely outweighs the negatives. I want you to think about when you struggle to set a boundary and what that can mean for you and what you're telling yourself. There's all types of boundaries in our lives, right? And there's all different types of people that will push your boundaries and will push their thoughts and their reasoning on you. And so it's important to be more kind with ourselves rather than trying to be really nice to other people, we have to try to be nice to ourselves. Boundaries is more than just not wanting to give somebody free shit. It's also standing up for yourself and not letting people push you around or tell you what to do. You know, it's not giving a shit. If people are stuck in their old ways. Let's say somebody wants to come out of the closet and instead of telling their grandparents or telling their family or telling these people, they don't, because those people have set boundaries saying that you can't be yourself around me. And so instead of being like, no, I'm going to be myself, wherever the fuck I want, however, the fuck I want, to whomever I fuck I want. Right. And I'm also going to fuck whoever I want. And, by not coming out or not telling people who you truly are and allowing for other people's boundaries to speak louder than yours... You're telling yourself that those people, those boundaries matter more than your wellbeing, then your mindset, then your choices, then your life. And that is why you have to take it more seriously. And you have to stop thinking of yourself as a bitch, and you have to stop thinking of yourself as a selfish person. This is not selfish. This is life. This is the bare minimums of life is going through and making choices that are healthy and real for you. If you don't align your boundaries, do not align your energies, do not align, and your values do not align... then it is time to take a step back from that person. And I don't care if their family member, if they're pushing your boundaries, they need to be taking a step back. I'm not saying to throw them out the door and not be their friend. I'm saying you need to be stronger about no, you are not welcome to say these things about me or call me these things or question my choices, if I don't want you to. It's like if you're sitting at a Thanksgiving dinner table and you're, they're like, why do you have your own business? Why don't you have a real job? Why are you gay? Why do you want to do this? Why do you care about this? Why do you wear that? Why do you have makeup on? All of these things, and you don't want to talk about them because that doesn't feel good. You don't have to fucking talk about em. That's your choice. Those are your boundaries. They're crossing the line. You need to draw bigger lines. You need to take your life back because no, one's going to just fucking hand you it. Nobody's going to change. You have to change. You have to make the choice for what you're going to allow and what you're going to stand up for and what you believe in and why the fuck you're going to take it back. And that's what boundaries are. It's so much more than just saying I'm not going to answer emails after 5:00 PM. It is so much more than that. And it goes so much deeper than that. And it means more to who we are as people, as employees, as partners, as children, as parents, as all things in life, as a fucking soul, as a human being on this earth. It is standing up for what you believe in and standing up for who you are and not letting people tell you or dictate what you do with your time and your life. So it is time to start setting more boundaries. It is time to start standing up for what you believe in and standing up for who you are, because there's nothing wrong with who you are or what you want, or what kind of boundaries you've set. They make you strong. they make you stronger as a human being, as a person, as a business owner, as a, whatever you identify as, it makes you stronger. So start taking small steps to form strong boundaries. If it makes more sense to start with the person who comes into your DMS, asking for advice and. Okay. Here's an exact example of something that I would say back if they're sending me these messages and I've had this happen many times, you tell somebody that you're a coach and then next thing you know, oh, I would love to hire you as a coach one day and then three paragraphs later. We're five voice memos later, they're going on and on about their lives and their business and their, this, and their goals. And they're this and they're that. And that's awesome, but that's not building a relationship that is them pushing them, no boundaries to see how much free shit they can get out of you, how much support they can get out of you, how much energy they can get out of you. And so I respond by saying thank you for sharing that with me, this would be amazing to dig deeper into in our coaching package. These are some options that you can choose. Let me know if you're interested, if not, et cetera, et cetera, you could maybe do one quick line of something that you would say back, but you don't have to, you don't have to, these are your lines that you're drawing, right? You're drawing the lines. No one else is. So this is a small boundary that you can set. It's really easy to do because it's online. You don't even have to face the person. So if you're going to set one right in the beginning, this is a really good example. Start small, right? Start with small boundaries that you feel like you can enforce. If your boundaries that I'm not going to email someone back during my off hours, then you don't email someone back during your off hours. You have to stick to your own boundaries to where no one's going to take you serious. If you choose to answer late emails or you choose to answer late messages, that's fine too, because that's what you have chosen to do. And those are your boundaries. So you don't care about doing late night work. I delete late night work all the time, but that's just because I'm productive at night. It has nothing to do with my batteries. I don't take calls before 10:00 AM ever. That's my boundary. I'm not a morning person. I'm not ready to take actual face to face voice in someone's face calls my voice doesn't even start working yet, but that's my boundary. And that's something that I have chosen and I have stuck with for years now. And no one's going to cross it unless one day I choose to let somebody, but no, one's going to be like, oh, I need an earlier appointment that's not available in your schedule. It has to be at 8:00 AM. I'd like, okay, that's not happening. That's too damn bad. If it has to be there's seven days in a week, pick a different. You know, but that's my boundary that doesn't have to be your boundary. You have to decide what's important to you. And that's why I say you sit down and you figure out your values, your values in your life, your values in your relationships and your values in your business. What are these core values? Take those core values and they directly relate to your boundaries. And that is as simple as it is. You just have to figure out what's most important to you. What are your deal-breakers? What lines can people not cross and then don't let people cross them. I don't care who they are, do not let people cross them. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening to another episode. This was definitely a passionate one. So I would love to hear what you have to say about this. Definitely take a screenshot if you're listening, posted on your Instagram stories, tag me and let's get into a conversation about this, because I would love to hear what you have to say.